I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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