My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
