Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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