Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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