I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
