mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
