Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
