Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize