So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
