Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
