i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
