Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
