Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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