He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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