THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
