i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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