i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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