Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
