i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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