weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
