Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
