im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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