I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
