My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
