my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
