i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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