My sheets look like a crime scene.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
