i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
the day after is always just damage control
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
