And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
