Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
