she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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