someone threw a dead crab at me
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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