What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
