Do you still have your period?
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
