apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
