seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
