Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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