We named our party play list daddy issues
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
