Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
