can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize