my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize