I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
