Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
