If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
