I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
