On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
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