Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
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