I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize