We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
