Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
