where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
