Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
