I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
