OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
My legs feel like baby dolphins
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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