I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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