Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
