Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
