I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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