how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
they're like a gay fantastic four
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
