Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
